It’s tough being a composer, sometimes.
Often a student will approach me after a reading of one of their pieces, disappointed that their piece didn’t quite work out as well as they would have hoped. Sometimes they blame the lack of rehearsal time, or the performers. Occasionally they request another shot at the reading to get a good recording. Usually they just feel bummed that their brilliant work didn’t get to shine like they hoped.
Get used to it.
Being a composer does have its thrills. Last night, a string quartet comprised of some of BYU’s brightest string players premiered a work of mine. They put together a performance which will rank among my most cherished experiences as a performer. And, truth be told, such experiences often transcend mere “thrills.” It was the kind of thing that makes me believe I can continue being a composer. And keep my sanity. I would think every composer has these experiences, at least on occasion, or they would find something more satisfying instead.
But it doesn’t usually work that way. Often I have a conception of my piece that is so much more glorious than the performance would indicate. “If only the world could hear it the way I meant it!” It happens all the time. All the time.
So if you find yourself falling into this line of thought, here are some tips:
1) It’s never the performer’s fault. (Even if it’s their fault.) It is much better to keep (or develop) a satisfying human relationship than to put any blame for a poor experience on somebody else. Don’t tell them directly, don’t talk about it behind their back, don’t even think about it.
2) Accept compliments gracefully. Resist the urge to comment on the poor performance.
3) Learn to enjoy the human aspect of a performance. So it doesn’t sound as good as MIDI (or as your imagination). Sure I enjoy hearing a flawless performance. But I also enjoy flawed performances because I appreciate that a real human being is doing their best to give life to my music.
4) Learn from your mistakes. Try to think if you could have done something different to help the performers avoid errors or better understand your intentions.
5) Sometimes you might just need to take a break from music for a while and spend a day (or a week, or a month) doing something else.